So it begins at my grandmother’s place, We’re there for lunch or something, and there’s a new domestic helper, a guy. For some reason, they’re celebrating, and they’re holding a prize giveaway using a lottery ticket system. It’s all dark and gloomy by the way, like it’s raining outside but I cant tell. Anyway, the winning ticket number is called out, and this new domestic helper walks up (blur-ly) to the announcer, with his ticket (not the winning one) expecting to get the prize. They tell him it isn’t the winning one, so he comes to me, and tries to grab mine. He’s significantly bigger, so after the struggle (in full view of everyone) he gets it and tries to claim the prize. Fucking pissed, I stride to the door, put my boots on (industrial steel toed), and proceed to fucking mangle his body, first breaking his legs with kicks to his shin, then his ribs, then more kicks to his side just to watch him scream in pain, and last 5 or 6 stomps on his face. He dies.

Suddenly I’m in our car, with my family, speeding own the highway. Which is all cool and twisty. Anyway, we’re zooming here and there, then we take a turn through a sandy-country-beachish side path. And end up at outside a HDB block, where we’re supposed to attend the funeral of my mum’s aunt or something. Anywaywhile parking, my dad says uncle Martin’s here, and we park beside him. Apparently, we’re the only people there. Martin’s family and ours. So now we’re going to the funeral, but the scene’s changed into what looks like a massive mall. And there’s alot of people going for this “funeral” going up the many escalators (6?) to the auditorium level, I meet many people I know from somewhere. Friends from school, aunts, friends from church, uncles. I’m given a weird uniform and told to wear it, so I go change. I’m guided together with a large group of people in similar uniforms into the front 2-4 rows at the auditorium. People from St. Patrick’s were there, so I sat next to Gerald, beside him were Sean Gan, Timothy Tjoe, and other guys whose faces I can’t remember right now. They’re smoking in the crowded auditorium, and I notice a lighted cig in a paper cup belonging to nobody, burning away, I don’t smoke so I told them it was a fire risk in the audi, so they ground all their cigs into a powder in the cup. Anyway, a speech is made on stage, and this scene ends.

Now I’m not sure when in the dream, but I remember I was at a mall (a real mall) and was walking up/down the multi-story carpark. Walking through the top level of the mall (really really crowded), going through shops that sold CDs, and movie memorabillia, then a lifestyle shop, and suddenly Jill and Nat were with me in the store. But I ditched them to go look at more CDs. Next I was at a supermarket, walked the perimeter of the store, and left. Now my family were here, and were walking around, and I left them behind too, to go find someone else. But I dunno who I was looking for. Lots of walking around the massive place by myself.

Anyway, Now I’m on the beach, at a council. Not sure of what, but there’s an English princess (as in has the title, but not the traditional, wear-a-massive-gown kind of princess., her father, and everyone else (there were other kids and their parents) I don’t remember nor  notice anyway. So while they’re having this council where the parents were discussing important things (quite sure my parents were there too), I make a point – blurt it out more like – because I’m unaware of the protocols involved in this, and am rebuked harshly by the parents. Although my point was valid. Anyway the English girl notices and looks sad at the scolding because I did raise a valid point, and somehow the feeling comes on that children aren’t allowed to speak, and she’s also been scolded by the king for speaking. Next we’re all on the beach, it’s dusk, the sun is very low in the sky, which is almost pitch black, because there’re absolutely no lights, save for the television that’s sitting on the beach, in front of us. Us being my parent (couldn’t tell which one), me, the English girl, her dad (king?). 4 on a comfy, really soft, leather sofa. On a beach. So anyway, what starts of as hands touching, becomes hands holding one another, and then hands uhh seeing how far they could go (Actually, it was more of a “fun” mood then a “sexytimes” mood). Her father notices and angrily puts a stop to the fun. So we’re sitting there in silence waiting for them to fall asleep. They do sooner or later, and we start to kiss and uhh stuff. Anyway, we’re all cuddled up and cosy till dawn, when the sky’s still a really deep blue. She had to leave, and we were all going back to our native countries. Her to England, and me to Singapore. It seemed like we were being unfairly torn apart, and she was crying. We wondered how we were ever gonna meet again, and quite promptly, dumped the contents of her wallet in my lap. Identity cards and driving licenses and various membership cards. I did the same, exhanging similar cards. (Silly idea, but hey it was unique[?] and we weren’t thinking straight). Anyway it was really sad and all, embraced a last time and then I woke up.

Couldn’t catch her name or face, although I studied the cards.

Yeah, Fuck Vevo. Watch it anyway. Best KOL song IMO.

Single book of matches,
Gonna burn what’s standing in the way.
Roaring down the mountain,
Now they’re calling on the fire brigade.
Bury all the pictures,
and tell the kids that I’m okay.
If’n I’m forgotten,
You’ll remember me for today.

I won’t ever be your cornerstone.
I…

All the black inside me
Is slowly seeping from the bone.
Everything I cherish
Is slowly dying, or it’s gone.
Little shaken babies
And drunkards seem to all agree,
Once the show gets started,
It’s bound to be a sight to see.

I won’t ever be your cornerstone.
I don’t wanna be here holding on.
I won’t ever be your cornerstone.
I…

Watch her roll,
Can you feel it?
Watch her roll,
Can you feel it?

Watch her roll,
Can you feel it?
Watch her roll,
Can you feel it?

I won’t ever be your cornerstone.
I don’t wanna be here holding on.
I won’t ever be your cornerstone.
I…

This year’s end credits.

Family
Gary
Sue
Jillian
James
Mark

Grandpa Gerald

ad sanguinem

Florence Road Relatives

Angie
Kevin

Although I really don’t have that much in common with you guys, it’s always good to know I’ve got cousins so cool. Angie your photos are gorgeous, and it’s really cool to have an awesome, cute and relateable red-head cousin.

And Kevin, although I haven’t ever really had much to talk to you about since you went to migrated to Australia, I’m sure after a few more sessions like the previous ones, everything’ll be cool.

Friends
Aydan
Sherman
Jaryl
Holly

You guys mean the world to me. If I had to choose any 4 people to live with for the rest of my life, it’d be you guys. I mean, who else could I jam with anyway? Thanks for the tolerance, the good times, advice, and just being there. I can’t really put into words how much just being there, being available to talk and actually listen means to me. I have yet to find anybody else with the intelligence, or heart that you guys have.

Aydan, you’re undeniably the coolest, and you’re a rare gem of a human. I’ve no doubt you’d go on to do really great things. Thank you for being there.

Sherman you’re the best listener I know, your stoic manner I have come to appreciate very much. I may not seem like it most of the time, but I do. Thanks for Being a friend.

Jaryl, you’re the newest of the pack, but already you’ve become an Irreplacable in the gang. Injecting tons of humour, and never losing patience. Thanks for that.

And Holly, although we don’t hang out as often, when we do it’s always, always fun. Maybe it’s your un-Singaporean-ness, brutal honesty, I don’t know. All I do know is I appreciate you being a friend very much.

Classmates
Nicholas
Amelia
Fiona
Cheryl
Zu Ming

My main groupmates, I’m very sorry if I seem distracted this smester, there’s been a lot of shit this sem, it’s been incredibly busy. I will do my best to make it up to you guys. 4 months and already we’re talking like old friends. Thanks for making this half-year an incredibly awesome one, and I hope the next year goes the same.

2B06

You guys are fucking cool. I look forward to another year with you guys.

Church
(Ironic huh)
Grace
Joel
Gabriel
Gericho
Jerome
Joan
Catherine

You guys, are incredible. It’s been maybe 10 years since we first met, and I must say, I regret not befriending you guys earlier on. I hope we continue to keep in touch, for I’d hate to never see you guys again.

School
Ferlyn
Geraldine
Marcus
Choon Yip
Yiwen
Brandon
Cammie
Fifi
Daren
Desmond
Yi Xuan
Nadine
Aza

Thank you guys for adding flavour to what might have been a very bland year.

Miscellaneous
Nathaniel
Aly
Patrick
Laura
Claire
Megan
Mark
Bryan
Sean
Sean S.
Yeewen
The Reader. That’s you!

Thank you all guys for the extraordinary year, and I look forward to an awesome 2011 with all of you.

Didnt manage to get many presents. Just 2, one for a friend and one for someone in between friendship and cold animosity. I don’t know what that is. Meh.

Gotta get this shit off my chest, might wanna load up on the salt. Why the fuck would anyone tell another person meaningless shit that person A, with a little bit of thought, could understand person B feels strongly about. Maybe I’m a nice person to blabber ridiculous crap to, but why the fuck tell me these things. What am I supposed to do with the information? Provide deep insight? Pretend to be excited about it like the rest of your friends? Not fucking likely. Ridicule it to your face? Tempting, but I’d never stoop so. Then what, what else can I do but stew in it. Let it sink in. Feel totally shit.  Why tell me anyway? Fun? Undiscountable unfortunately. Stupidity? Highly possible. To provoke me? Possible too, but why the fuck would you do that? If anything at all reader, you must know, if you’re trying to provoke me, it will work, and I am a very selfish angry person. Fuck everyone else. Fuck your feelings. Or maybe just out of smugness or self-satisfaction. Well then fuck you. And that’s not enough, sure, after that feel free to make ridiculous demands of me why don’t you? Fuck, are you totally insensitive or just plain stupid. Both maybe. Maybe it would’ve been right to have taken their advice; don’t bother, trouble, be wary. I mean, it’s not like I have feelings at all right, feel free to unload your fucking bullshit all over me. Forget this fuck-shit-thing, I’m not making a goddamn effort if you can’t be bothered to do fuck.

/rant

Thank you and good night. Merry Christmas. btw.

Sinking, I’ve fallen in too deep and I regret it.
I don’t know is all we have left to say.
How do we pick ourselves up now,
if the clouds bring the rain before we evaporate?
I’ll never be able to say I love you.

I love you. I love you.

Stay bright little fireflies;
make light before my eyes.
Stay bright little fireflies;
make light before my eyes.

Thinking,
without all of my regrets and my contradictions,
where did I go?
I thought this was the right way.
Do I learn to grow up now, or just fade away
under this tree of shade?
Or will I be able to say I love you?

I love you.

Stay bright little fireflies;
make light before my eyes.
Stay bright little fireflies;
make light before my eyes.

And all you do, and all you say washes away, away with the rain.
And all you thought would never change, washes away, it’ll never be the same.
‘Cause all i see is all that takes me away, takes me away.

And all you do, and all you say washes away, away with the rain.
And all you thought would never change,
(how could I let you go?)
washes away, it’ll never be the same.
(how could I have changed?)

(It’ll never be the same)

Stay bright little fireflies;
make light before my eyes.

Stay bright little fireflies;
make light before my eyes.
Stay bright little fireflies;
make light before my eyes.

Wish I could love you.
And I don’t regret the rain.
Now that I’m sinking.
I would just say goodbye.

Anyway, school’s wearing my down. I’m all cranky and shit, and I can’t find a way to relieve stress.

Haven’t seen the guys in ages, my guitar’s been at Bassman’s place for almost a month, I’m doing a real bad job of excercise and saving cash.

Wanna buy a Vox AC30, an Effectrode Tube Driver and a Yamaha Pacifica. $1000, $550, $700. Tsk, can’t wait for the holidays and a job. All still a long ways off.

Found a cache of awesome music, Elvis Costello, Saosin, Everything But The Girl, among some.

I know how I feel, used and now forgotten. Yeah, yeah, fuck em all.

Now that you’ve got no use for me I don’t hear shit.

Anyway, that Saosin song’s a favourite and staple on my favourites playlist now. Beautiful stuff.

I have no idea what I’d do. But I guess I’ll figure it out. I’d love to grow old by myself. I love the feeling you get when your world’s goe to shit. Not saying mine has, I know almost nothing of the world, being only 18. But still, I’ve come to enjoy that heart-sinking feeling.

Been under lots of stress. Lots of small things bothering me lately. The majority of my classes this semseter are coursework-heavy. Loads of projects that need to be done, lots of work. It helps that my classmates are incredible, and I think I’m lucky to have them, but somehow I keep thinking I’m not doing enough. Like I’m slacking, even though technically I am doing all that is required of me. I haven’t yet written about my new class I think. They’re alright, mostly all good, and only a few of pet peeves cause me to gravitate away from some.

They’re all cheerful, mostly sociable, my groupmates are especially easy to talk to. And now I know for sure, I can pull of a “fuck off, don’t come near me” look/character.

I’ve sort of grown into a hermitage as well. I’ve not seen the people I care most about in a long while. Bassist and Drummer have been missing for awhile, busier schedules I suppose. Jarlman’s been missing too. Had a great time with fellow Harry Potter fan The Queen, hanging at her majesty’s pad.

Ha, but I guess the disappearence that troubles me the most, is the least important to me. I guess I’m not important enough to bother contacting, only when my servies are needed. But I cannot be sure anything I think is actually happening, or it’s just me being overanalytical. I guess you could say I’m far-sighted, I miss the things up close, but I study the things on the horizon. I don’t do it on purpose. I just am.

Hope to pick up roller-blading again, before I leave for Australia. So many things I’ve meant to do, but haven’t yet, always making excuses, too busy with school, too tired, taking a break.

Then a few days ago, I was thinking how sad it must be, to be my grandparents. I wondered if they ever felt they were just waiting to see who died first, thinking how sad it must be, to be old, married, and waiting for death.

I’m already waiting for death. Cliche and lame as it sounds, I’m not looking forward to anything really. Just going through the motions, same week, same month.

I don’t even know, I don’t even think, she thinks I exist anymore.

I don’t know why I give a damn. I swear I didn’t.

Either my friend or my enemy right? Harsh outlook, but one I adhere to. I make no friends, without reason for it.

Now I’m typing in lines again.

I can never pay attention to schoolwork, but for some reason, I can patiently read and comprehend articles in journals on cosmology and physics. What the fuck is wrong with me. I can’t be fucked by the simple stuff, but I like to read about experiments, supercolliders, antimatter, existentialism. Does it make me a pretentious douche, that I like to read, what other my generation does not? Or that I consider it what my generation does not. It’s not because I want to be different, I’d love to have someone I could talk, discuss, debate, whatever, with. But I can’t find anybody, who can.

I’m feeling increasingly burnt out.

Enjoyed a movie, two movies, recently. The latest Harry Potter, which was magnificent, and a movie I borrowed from the library, Hors De Prix. Both cool, Harry Potter being one of my favourite book series’ and Hors De Prix starring a favourite actress, Audrey Tautou.

Found an old cache of videos, from back when people played games on a Playstation. Playstation 1 that is. Oh the nostalgia, Linkin Park back when they were good (Hybrid Theory, Meteora), Evanescence, other 90′s-early 2000′s artists. When I used to go to Angie’s house, watch Kevin play Fallout, play CS or Half Life one, or Final Fantasy 10, Mortal Kombat. Ah man, those were the days.

The videos’ll be treasured for sure.

My phone is dying, I need new clothes, I need to go jogging again. But I’m always so drained by the time I get home. Morning classes suck.

Was proud of myself the other day, my brother got his literature study book, Things Fall Apart, instantly I ID’ed the poem the title referenced, W.B. Yeats’ poem, The Second Coming.

I just want to sink into a hole somewhere. And come out of it 70 into the future.

I really want to know about the end of the universe/life/my life.

But I can’t stand waiting the 70 odd years it’d take. Why I want to see the end? I want to stop thinking. This cacophany closed up in my head gets frustrating. You know how it is right, how it’s impossible not to think of anything. You say, don’ think of anything, then you think, why? Then you think of the things you don’t want to think about.

Drives you crazy it does.

I dreamt last night, I had no lower teeth, replaced by hamster teeth, grotesque hamster teeth.

Not enjoying life at all. On a scale of 1 to 10, it’d be a 2.

Oh, Nihilism. Just reading up on it a little, good to know.

I wish things’d been different, but this is the way things happened. And I’m worse off for it.

Hah, I have no idea if we’re even friends anymore. It’s gonna be totally awkward.

Yeah, fuck off. Hope I manage to get another post in soon.

Anyway, I’ma copy/paste a notepad document that’s been sitting on my desktop so I can delete it and have a totally empty desktop like I had before. I love having an empty desktop, with a cool wallpaper. I think it’s cool.

Anyway make of it what you will. It’s got no title, and is random gibberish. The first bit’s a song idea though, like Audioslave’s “Be Yourself”. But mine’ll probably be something like ”Fuck Everyone Else”.

-

(A boy is bitten by a werewolf.)
He has to leave his village to live by himself.
10 years fighting in the wilderness, surviving.
Defending his den, hunting for food.
Destroying competition.

He looks down, upon the overgrown village.
Abandoned and decaying.
He’s hungry. Blood needs to be drunk.
He is a beast now. There was no man anyway.

-

Someone takes pills, to fit in with the majority.
But the majority are just as fucked up, just that everyone’s the same.
So he stops taking his meds. And runs off to live by himself.

-

A demon takes the form of a human, and walks among men, but is disgusted at what he sees. Reports to Satan. Hell is crowded.

-

If 90% of all beings go to hell, is heaven still “right”? Wouldn’t Hell be the standard.

-

A Beautiful Li(f)e

Man. In a mask. Iron, cold, smooth, holes for his eyes, for sustenance.
In a tower. Locked, imprisoned, without memory.
Old. No memory.
Old.
No memory.
Alone and somewhat unfulfilled, bored mostly.
But he sees the happiness outsiders have, while he’s locked away in his tower.
He decides he would like to try this “happiness”.
So he climbs down from the tower, removes his mask, and walks among the people.
For awhile, he sees, some of them are blemished too, and nobody seems to take much notice of his face.
They shy away, worried of his disease.
What disease.
Fuck them.
Soon, no one cares. Doesn’t feel different.
Everything is fine. The parties, the music, the dancing. It’s all so new to him.
He makes friends.
“Friends”
Gossip intrigues him.
Secrets he keeps, from everyone.
They tell him all, because over time, he has crafted a new mask, a mask, of them.
But wary are the people, for they fear he knows too much.
And they began to scorn him.
He sees behind it all.
But it is too late.
The tower, in its solitude, more beautiful, than any place cursed by the plague of humanity.
For it is human nature, self preservation is the priority.
It is human nature, it is all against all.
Fleeing, for he knows they will not let him off without price.
On a forest trail, a mob.
They beat him to within an inch of his life, and ridicule his broken body.
Laughing at the mishapen body, the scarred face.
They bring out the brands, and mark him.
A filthy outcast. Unworthy of care. Traitor. Blasphemer.
Just another brand upon many others.
After their fun, he crawls.
Picks himself up.
There were 20 he says, to nobody at all.
Had there been but fewer and I’d dine tonight.
Revel in the butchery of meat.
The fires of their torches fading down the path, he stumbles deep into the forest.
Away from the fuckers.
The wish to return in the dead of night, mutilating, dancing in the meat.
Raping the young, fucking the dismembered remains in the ultimate desecration.
Gorging himself on the spilled inards.
But he does not. Snuffs out the thoughts. They are lesser. And he will not sully his skin with their filthy bodies.
Far.
Away from the two-sided smiles.
Anywhere to be alone again.
The music of silence, would be far better than the false merriment of deceit.
Music.
He hears beautiful music.
No, it is not beautiful, but, different, magic.
Unique.
Enchanted, he seeks the source.
Seated, or perched, upon a rock, he finds a harpy.
Beautiful, feathers of the most brilliant blue.
A tail, a rainbow.
Oh how the song she sang was so, unnatural. But not, badly so, no. Not at all.
Like by a mermaid’s song, the man was drawn in.
Doomed though, was she, to a tragic existence, of her own making, or not.
But it was not mortal, the knowledge.
Only the designer could know. But who’re we kidding, he’d been long gone.
Harpy.
Abandoned by her nest.
Just a wound not yet healed, stagnant?
It talks.
But anything that talks has been branded “False” in his mind.
Trust must seed again, over seasons.
But in silence, travel, it flies, he walks. No destination.
Away.
Brought upon similar paths by cirumstance.
Circumstance, that cruel, cruel fuck.

I love the song, music and lyrics by the way. I wish that could happen to me.

Find the whole song here, http://www.myspace.com/scienceofsleepsoundtrack or just watch part of it in the scene from the movie.

If you rescue me,
I’ll be your friend forever,
Let me in your bed,
I’ll keep you warm in winter,
All the kiddies are playing
and they’re having such fun,
I wish that could happen to me,
But if you rescue me,
I’ll never have to be alone again.
Oh the cars drive so fast
and the people are mean,
and sometimes it’s hard to find food,
let me into your room,
I’ll keep you warm and amused,
all the things we can do in the rain
If you rescue me,
I’ll be your friend forever,
Let me in your bed,
I’ll keep you warm in winter,
Oh someday I know
someone will look into my eyes
and say, “Hello, you’re my very special kitten”,
So if you rescue me,
I’ll never have to be alone again,
I’ll never have to be alone again,
I’ll never have to be alone again.

Day 3: Your favourite TV program.
Possibly The Big Bang Theory.
I don’t watch TV all that much. But if I do, it’s usually The Family Guy, The Simpsons, MTV Cribs, The Big Bang Theory, Futureweapons, Human Weapon, Mythbusters, and random others. Most of the time just whatever’s on.

Day 4: Your favorite book
Oh that’s a tough one. Probably The Shadow Of The Wind. Just read it. It’s incredible. For real. I’m not lying, even if you never read books, just try and find this book. If you had to read one book in the world, this is not it. But it’s still pretty fucking beautiful. It’s got adventure, mystery, suspense, romance, everything. Except (or maybe not) horror and ghosts.

That’s all for now.  Ah heck, it’s already Thursday, might as well throw in Day 5.

Day 5: Your favorite quote
I don’t really have one. Probably the entirety of the song The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. But that’s a song and cheating so probably C.S. Lewis’ quote on the heart.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I’ve got different movies for different “times”.

My favourite movies include Avatar, The Science Of Sleep (Les Science Des Reves), And They Lived Happily Ever After… (Ils se marièrent et eurent beaucoup d’enfants), Moulin Rouge, Shutter, Paranormal Activity, The Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, and most or all the movies mntioned on the list of good movies to the right of the home page. They’re all awesome.

-

Once again, I’m suffering from an information (and trust) blackout.